I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
