went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
