we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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