Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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