Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
