im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
