I skipped work to stalk him.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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