Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You are a genius and a whore.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
