kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
