Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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