I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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