insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
