apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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