That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
