And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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