I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
