I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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