drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
