Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
