Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
