She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
