I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
