Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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