so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
