There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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