hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
