two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
