The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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