WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
BRING THE BAGELS
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
