the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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