I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
