I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
