I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I have fence marks all over my body
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
