our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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