On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
