Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
