i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
