You don't have asthma, your pregnant
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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