Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
