Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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