i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
