In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
