You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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