We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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