i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
