If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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