I met the friendliest cop last night
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
