that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
