I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
