If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
