Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
