If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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