I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
