Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
