Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
